i'm going back home. =) It's a big big event. Because it's going to be Chinese New year. Happy Chinese New Year.

Say hihi to shah alam. Say hihi to my hostel room of untiled cement floor, without any locker or chair or anything but shabbiness. Say hihi to all kinds of roti canai and teh o' ais and Mc D.

Such an amazing result i got.

Such interesting lectures i got from the lovely brown skinned guards because the sleeves i wear are not long enough to cover my wrists and the rear not long enough to cover my butt. wahaha. And because i lost my student card. i don't have a driving licence but i got a saman which when you've collected enough amount of saman (about 3?) then you'll be having the chance to visit the diciplinary court.

i'm talking crap lah actually. Don't take it seriously.

i got a message for the sun. Please don't shine into my bedroom this afternoon. Give some time to have a good rest. i'm drained out of spirit due to lack of sleep.

i got a message for the vehicles on the road outside of my block. Don't pass the road. Take a detour. Give me some peace.

What the hell is happening to me??? i want to have a nice nice sleep...zzzzz Just too tired. Every limb of me is in fatigue. i'll be very very ok after i wake up from the nice nice sleep. So grant me a nice nice sleep, ok?

i say, i will be brave brave tomorrow. Or later. i will i will. Wont be a coward.

Ok. i've left the rubbish of my kiddy imbecile thoughts here. Finish crapping. i'll be all smiling face later.

i'm eating tao hu hua. Thought it'd be sweet and nice but something's wrong with it. It tastes bitter. Or maybe it's because i've jz chewed away a bunch of really sweet seedless blackcurrant.

My mum is forcing me to eat everyday. Yeah forcing is the exact word to use. i'm forced to eat and drink when i'm not hungry or thirsty. For my own good i know. She said i've got even more skinny in the holiday staying at home. Hah i too want to put on some weight. In a week's time i'll be having roti telur, Mc Chicken, Ayamas Set D, nasi lemak, teh ais and light coke as lunches and dinners. The menu will never change, i tell you. Eat those food everyday of every week. So i guess i'd better eat everything my mum wants me to eat now.

i've been living like a queen these two months. Not really with the dazzling magic power of ruling of Queen of Narnia; but i live in such comfort and ease and peace...everything nice you can find in the fairy tales. i wonder how am i going to suit myself into the hostel life again? i feel like this queenish life seems going to stretch on forever...or more accurately, i want to live this queenish life forever. Ahaha impossible.

Bye bye to my beloved mummy and papa and home sweet home. Bye bye to my darlings. Bye bye to my dear piano. i'm going back to school! Then i'll shout "Hey!" and "Wei!" to you to all those faces i've known in Shah Alam. i wonder whether we will embrace each other. How nice those western people are, when you watch the tv or movies you'll see them naturally hug and kiss each other when they meet. And i'll happily enjoy my student life with some complaints and some pain of tests and homework and exam and sometimes a bit of homesick,mummy-sick. And i'll be having fun with friends, out of control of my mum and anyone, like a wild wild horse. i'll be learning more and more knowledge i lust of or even things unexpected.

=) i'm looking forward to it. Or you can say i'm persuading myself to look forward to it? Haha it doesn't matter much, does it? Hope it won't be too painful when it's time for the queen to tear herself away from her palace.

The queen has went to the hair dresser. Got a trim. Hey i just looked into the mirror and it actually looked quite nice. i mean my hair. It's not really short. But didn't look unkempt anymore. But i was a bit sad when the hair dresser chopped of my hair...like she wanted to cut it very short. And i didn't look into the mirror after i got my hair trimmed. Hate and sad and dared not look. But i plucked up my courage to look at myself. Hmm i guess the queen's look hasn't changed much from the last time she was seen =P

And i'll keep on trying to be a good girl. i'm not a good girl. But it's the expectation from everybody. So i'll keep on trying.

我的关怀方式
是你无法察觉的悲凉
只能在你不经意时
才锁上我心房
你往常的亲切友善
是我今生的遗憾
受伤后无悔地埋在
不流露的脸上

Love me for who i am.
Because i have learnt to love you for who you are.

i think of people i've hurt. Think of the for ever scars i've left on them. Even though time passes, memories fade, i'm forgiven, it wouldn't be quite the same anymore. Because the marks will never fade. Like iron nails that leave marks on wood when you hammer them into the wood, then pull them out again, saying your appologies. Sorry.

i think of i never gave enough effort to things i should have appreciated with all my heart. You lost it, then you started to whine. Human nature, you call it?

Have i not been grateful? Always?

Perhaps i should learn more about life. Then hope myself to be qualified to be somebody of somebody. To be qualified to be named jiahang.

Duet. Trio. i played violin together with two friends. We played different parts different notes, and the sound of our violins combined harmoniously, just nice. Sometimes shrill, sometimes sweet, many times we made mistakes too, the sound(or noise?) we produced rang through my house and the street. =P Nobody complained us. We're not proffesional of course. It's just a mere interest in violin. i played till my finger tips went red and purple like little meat balls. And the side of my neck hurts a bit till now. But i'm sure that you'd like some pieces we played =) such as Silent Night, Jingle Bell, and all that-- all for christmas. My christmas present for you!

i came across this line: Life is an act of balancing, just take a break and smell the roses along the road.

i'm smelling the scents of the flowers. Not only roses. i even have enough time to take pictures of the flowers =) i love holidays. Holidays do me good. But, you ever feel that sometimes holiday can make you feel old too? You rest, and rest, and rest during holidays. You feel that you're storing energy while resting. Then you get bored. But you're still resting. And you feel that you're not even as energetic as before. Feel that you are old. That's what i feel sometimes...not all the time, though. i'm still enjoying my holiday. The really slow pace of life. Like Tai Chi. Yet...i think i'm ready for another hustle and bustle and huff and puff for a busy sem at Shah Alam. The malay sacred place. i think i'm ready for the tonnes of pressure of life there. And i do miss the fun there. With some friends. Being close. Without the control of parents ;P Well it's just less than two weeks to go. i'm hungrily greedily absorbing the love from my family. i will miss them, for sure, after two weeks.

Hope that i'm strong now. Really strong enough to be away from home again.

i'm a kiddy kid. You know what? 'cause i still play with my furry soft toys. i got four of my most beloved soft toys on my bed with me---a big, light green-frog with huge staring eyes, a white baby unicorn with a pink horn, a cute little Tigger and a long piggy-like doggie, really a long one as it's shaped like a mini bolster. i invented conversation between these cute creatures. i imagined expression on their mildly ignorant faces. i talked to them in my heart. And i hugged them and planted little kisses on them. i put my arms around them when i sleep, too. They are like living things to me.

Do i sound mad? i don't know. i just know that i'm always enlightened by these creatures when i'm bored. Am i too old for playing with these furry things? Hmm i don't know.

It was a complete, a whole, perfect home. Because everyone of my family is back to our home. My two sisters, my brother-in-law and er jie's boy friend. Big party it was at our home. There were merriment, merriment and merriment. My mum happily prepared good food for them, my dad looked just pleased. The chattering never ended. And there were always bursts of laughter. i love my big sis' purposedly insane laugh. She only laughs like that at home, when she doesn't have to care about her poise and image. i love my er jie telling stories, with some little jokes in them that never failed to send the whole family chuckled. i like the way my sisters are close to their partners. i like the noise they were making in our usually quiet house. i like the way the seven of us were together. Eating together, watching tv together, chatting together......

But they've went back to their place. To penang. i waved goodbye with my mum to them, at the new gate that has just been replaced for the old one. And our house is back to its normal quietness.

i don't like saying goodbye. Because goodbye means getting apart.