Lamenting. i failed to get out of the sadness. It's getting deeper and deeper into my heart. i don't know why i still wouldn't let go. i thought i could get out from it without not much difficulties. No. It's hard. It's harder beyond my imagination. How are you going to forget someone that has gotten so much into your life your thoughts and your everything? How are you going to forgive yourself from mistakes you've been regretting and actually hating yourself for doing such stupid, unthoughtful mistakes? How are you going to stop yourself from hallucinating beautiful yet fake pictures about us getting along well, making up after loads of hurtful things happened?

Ok. Let's say i don't have to actually forget someone. To be honest i don't want to forget.
Let's say, everyone makes mistakes. Humans are not perfect.
Let's say, there might be chances for us to get along well again. It's ok to hallucinate a bit.

Then, what the hell is the pain all about?? It wouldn't go away. PAIN. And guilt. Haunting me all day all night long. Everyday. Deprived from nice sleep at night. They haunt me. I feel like flooding myself with tears. Feel like shouting. They had never stopped haunting me.

i don't know how to let go. i thought i've let go. i thought i've come out of it. i thought everything is ok. i thought i've forgiven myself. i don't know what will we become. Strangers? Is that the best way to keep ourselves from hurting each other? No. Strangers, the word strangers hurt me as much too. There seems no good signs of us to become soul mates close friends or whatever hell you name it. You've changed.

yeah i know i'm a fool. Whatever. i'm learning. i'm finding answers. and i'll never forget my vow, to be a better person.